


An interview

by flowersaretarts



Category: Withnail & I (1986)
Genre: Comedy, Humour, M/M, Married Couple, Q&A, Withnail & I - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-24 07:24:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4910392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowersaretarts/pseuds/flowersaretarts





	An interview

The Interviewer: Ehm, I’d better let the young marrieds answer the questions themselves. Gentlemen, are you ready?

Peter Marwood (clean shaved, smiling, wide-eyed and bushy- tailed, with an aura of all-absorbing cuddliness around him, though the dark circles under his eyes remind of his insomnia) : Yes, sure.

Vyvian Withnail (pale, haughty, clearly hangover, wrapped into a bathrobe, smoking Gaulois): Pffrt, bother!

PM: Think it through, Vyv, that is a perfect ego boost! Nothing’s better for tickling your core than personal questions.

VW: (intrigued, but still grumpy) Fine.

Who cooks:

VW: aren’t we having takeaways?

PM: oh, splendid! So you think that soup I’ve killed an hour to make and that bloody chicken were takeaways??!!!

VW: oh, yes, indeed, I remember. “The St. Peter’s” takeaway. Love their fried egg sandwiches.

P “St. Peter” M: roars internally

Who does the laundry and other chores: 

VW: The bastard makes me wash my own underwear! It’s unbearable. I have standards!

PM: Next time let your standards do your sock. Yes, singular. The sock. Where’s the other one, I wonder. Oh, we do go shopping together. I insist on leaving him at the entrance in that little pool full of colourful balls, you know. But he usually hates being alone, so I put him in the trolley and throw the stuff onto him.

VW: I assist in cleaning the kitchen and the bathroom. You should see the state of it after he shaves.

PM: By assistance he means “pontificating around while quoting the newspaper headlines”.

How many children do they have:

PM: We’re planning an adoption, actually. A girl, most likely. turns to Withnail and don’t you dare joking about an non-contaminated urine again.

VW: I’d rather adopt good ol’ Jack. At least he would provide us with hares and things.

Who’s more dominate:

PM: deep sigh I wash my hands.

VW: He dominates in failing to face the fact that we were out of booze since Tuesday.

PM: You’re on cold turkey, young man.

VW: oh, don’t you johnwatson me.

Favorite nonsexual activity:

VW: We run.

PM: Yes, we have to practice covering short distances at extraordinary speed. Exchanging French poetry and Shakespearean quotes, bashing Chekhov and eating savaloys.

VW: Sharing my wisdom and brilliance with the grammar school boy.

PM: stubs him in the ribcage with his elbow

VW: Ouch.

Their favorite place to be together:

PM: anywhere but Mother Black Cap. Bathtub. Park bench.

VW: He’d follow me wherever I head to. He chooses the locations, though.

Any traditions:

PM: sometimes he drives and I shout “SCRUBBERS”. Cinnamon grog for Christmas. He always gets me a notebook and a pair of new Lennon glasses for my birthday. The problem is he doesn’t remember my birthday and hands those on a random day in November.

VW: Sherry with Monty on Mondays, Camberwell Carrot on Fridays. Minimum two pints a day.

Their “song”:

VW: “Matthäus-Passion” PM: What a drama queen. “You’ll never walk alone”.

What they do for each other on holidays:

both PM and VW gaze at each other PM: We sometimes ignore holidays. We do not own a calendar.

VW: Yes, for the reason we are above the time.

PM: hisses Shalka, you fool, don’t mention the word “time”! And hide your sonic screwdriver, it’s sticking from under your corderoy monstrousity of trousers. You’re blowing our cover! coughs Excuse us.

Where did they go for their honeymoon:

PM: It was meant to be Scotland. VW: Yet we woke up in Penrith.

PM: No, YOU woke up in Penrith. I was the one who delivered your royal unconscious highness. Did you know Ms. Blenehassit runs a lovely little B&B? I suggested she changes her name to Hudson.

Where did they first meet:

VW: Drama School. I loved to impress the one. He made me look good.

PM: Shut up, Withnail. But yes, it was there. I saw him and thought, “Wow, he’s big time posh, I’d better hang around him”. Still hanging.

Any pets:

VW: We grow geraniums. long pause And carrots.

PM: pretends he ignored the carrots Thank goodness, we got rid of the rats. Does Danny count as a pet, though?

What do they fight over:

PM: Over the door knob when someone is threatening us and we have to escape as soon as possible.

VW: Over whether I must lower my standards and play Horatio. Over my rotten carcass!

PM: Are you sure they meant the Dane Horatio, not Horatio Hornblower? smirks I’d watch that.

VW: how dare you! imagines himself in a Royal Navy uniform and a bicorn, with shirtless wet Marwood by his side

Do they go on vacations, if so where:

VW: We did once. It was a disaster. Paris, you know. detest the accordion music. And mimes. The wine, however…

PM: What he forgot to mention is that it was Monty whose friend had invited us, Montague H. bloody Withnail whom I had to sit against on the train for hours.   
(stares into space, his face expression vacant)  
Long, long hours…


End file.
